Not Even A Mouse

We’ve not been looking forward to Xmas this year. But we decided to make the best of it. Which is why we went out yesterday to buy gifts, fetch a tree and get some food. And it was all going quite nicely until the hospital called (see below).

I keep having dreams about Maggie as an older girl. She’s always sort of okay, although with something not quite right. Last night she was a relatively normal teenager. And the underlining story was that she’d defied all expectations to become as she was. Good for her.

I felt very low this morning. Not just down in the dumps but also quite angry and helpless. Shannon had earlier told me that when she was in the process of re-locating Maggie out of NICU, the doctor who had ordered the move – who she’d only the day before poured her heart out to – walked into the room. And ignored her.

What a horrible cunt.

I think I’ve had enough of expecting things from other people. I think this is why I felt so low this morning: because it’s Xmas and we’ve had this terrible thing happen to us and, to be honest, I just wanted someone to come along and make it all better. Or to just look after us for a bit.

Pathetic, right? But then I always tend to get a bit maudlin this time of year.

When we first walked into the ward where Maggie is now, the sadness was overwhelming. Because there she was, all alone in a room full of empty beds. All alone at Xmas with no other children to keep her company. It was so sad that it made me think that it would make for a truly heartbreaking Xmas story for kids: about the little girl that Santa forgot. Something like that. I may write it one day. But I’ll make it funny.

Things picked up a lot when Maggie’s nurse introduced herself. She seemed to be very competent and friendly and, best of all, sympathetic to our needs. I liked that she sat with Shannon and wrote a plan for Maggie that included all the things that have to be done: the physiotherapy, the speech therapy, the feeding etc. We were then visited by the girl who’ll be doing Maggie’s play exercises with her. She was a bit soppy but very nice and obviously very keen to do what’s right for Maggie.

So by the middle of the afternoon I started to get a sense that perhaps things might start improving. And as a result of that I cheered up a bit.

Of course, it was sad to leave Maggie alone like that. But we’d decided that we deserved to have some kind of Xmas eve. Besides, we still had a tree to decorate and presents to wrap. And a quick drink with the lovely Ben and Julia who came with gifts for the girls.

The plan tomorrow is that we go to the hospital first thing to open presents as a family. Then back home to have our crappy Xmas dinner (we’ve gone frozen this year because we couldn’t be arsed). And then to the hospital again to see out the day with Maggie.

Maybe next year will be better.

Happy Xmas and best wishes to you all.

Click the picture of Alice to see today's pics: