The Test

Maggie is having her hearing test tomorrow morning - the more specialist, in-depth audiology one that should give us the final verdict on her hearing ability. And I can't really think of a time when I've been more frightened - because what we want so badly, what we've been willing for so hard, could just not be. Given everything that could be wrong with our little girl, this would be a little balm - that she could hear music and it could be as big a part of her life as it is Paul's, that she could hear our voices and be comforted by them (and later be annoyed by them), that it could help her development in so many ways. But for her not to be able to hear...well, it's just not fucking fair given everything else she, and we, will have to go through.

We've put it out of our heads these past two weeks, since she failed the two initial newborn hearing screenings. Except there have been little things, little instances where we thought maybe...her startling at a clipboard falling on the floor, turning when the speech and language therapist crinkled some paper near her ear, several different people telling us how often babies do fail the initial tests and can hear just fine. We've been trying to prepare ourselves for another negative response - given the brain damage, the commonality of hearing loss/impairment in situations like Maggie's, the initial tests - but it's just not working. We want it too much.

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