I was doing that thinking thing again this morning (despite Paul’s suggestions to stop) – the time when I’m supposed to be sleeping between the 5am and 8am expressing is a killer for that. And it occurred to me, very sadly, that I don’t really see Maggie and Alice as twins now. They’re my two unbelievably lovely, fantastic little girls...but not twins. Maybe it's because all we've been able to do is float between their two rooms and see them separately. And maybe it's because everything about our individual experiences with them has been completely different. A nurse brought Alice's cot into Maggie's room and there they were, right next to each other, and when I told her that I found it hard to see them as twins she didn't contradict me or disagree - if anything, she went one further by saying, "That's because they're on completely different paths now." I want to hope she's wrong, and I want to hope that their twin-ness will come back to me, and will always be there for them.
Because there were so many stories surrounding their twin start that I wanted to tell them - that we found out we were having twins on April Fool's Day, and we both cried in the stairwell from shock and feeling overwhelmed (!!!). It was going to be a little family joke (when they were older and could appreciate it/not be scarred by it) that we didn't want twins to start with but that after a few weeks it seemed like the most special, amazing, lucky thing. Our family, done and dusted in one go - and just as well, seeing how old we are! An experience that would be new for Paul as well for me - even though I joked that they were just 'four and five' to him. And that sometimes we got scared and spooked by how difficult it would be (again, !!!) and Paul would look at me and say, "Twins...you idiot."
Alice is coming home tomorrow and Maggie isn't. And even though Paul says I shouldn't swear, it's fucking heartbreaking. And lovely and sad and exciting and scary and just so unbelievable I can't really get my head round it. I spent months feeling them bounce off each other inside me - I can't wait to see it in real life.